Im Lennie small me and my freind george are best of friends we travel a lotta places together me and george were resting in the brush we wanted to look for a job to get a little stake together to get our ranch so I can tend those soft nice rabbits I love soft things oh do I.Me and george saw this real purty girl who had a soft dress I wanted to feel it but the girl wouldnt let me touch it, I was so scared and apart from george the only thing that gotta keep me going is finding that ranch of ours.
The next day me and george finally arrived at the ranch I was so happy and excited that I was gonna finally tend the rabbits when we went in the bunkhouse we saw all the other people they look at us like we’re mad don’t they see two guys travelling together we saw the boss he looked big and old george did alla talking because I did no how to speak properly. I saw one of the workers had baby pups I begged george PLEASE PLEASE George lemme have those pups George said awright then the nice worker
gave it to the imma keep it for the rest of my life thank a lot George.
I was In the bunkouse with george and the other that curley guy sure doesnt like me I was sitting down on a chair then curley gave me a right punch it hurt me so bad I was on the floor bleedin and cryin I got back up and curley was still punchin me then George said GET HIM LENNIE! I heard my freind and I caught his hand I was gonna hurt him so bad he gonna start bleedin I saw him bleed I didn’t wanna hurt him I didn’t wanna hurt him I said to george
Everyone went into town so I was all on my own I found this room that belong to a nigger I started to talk to him he seemed nice but he started to talk about George not coming back I said yes he will come back he got me scared I hate that nigger stable buck he sure to stay quite me and old man candy start to talk bout the plan but the nigger kept on listening.
George told me not to talk to that purty girl but i had to she was right in fronta’ me she told me i could touch her hair it was so soft I tapped it again and again she started to shout I told her to stop george wont let me tend the rabbits STOP SHOUTING!! she was lying on the floor I did something very bad. George gonna get mad at me im never gonna tend those soft rabbits George was right i shoulda never got my self involved with that girl.I told George that i accidently killed that girl he got mad at me I was so sorry George he told me that it’ll be awright we ran to the brush but I knew that curley guy would hunt me down I was so scared. When we got here george told me the story that we gonna get a house of are own an I get to tend the rabbits and have a large patch of alfafa I knew that curley and his gang would be here any minute and then i heard a loud BANG.
January 8, 2015 at 12:48 pm
Word Count: 595
Perhaps because this piece has been written in the character of somebody with a clear sense of voice the grammatical structure has suffered. You should really be trying to approach the task using your own sense of what Lennie would say, and you have done this well. What remains to do, is in a sense quite a minor task. That is to bring the written work into line with the conventions of what we might expect from any other piece of writing.
What this means in your case is:
Sentence structure
Ensuring Capital letters and Full Stops are all in the right place
Looking to make it less “rambling” by not running everything together into one long sentence.
You should also make sure that you have pinned down some details such as who the “nice ranch worker” is. Lennie is likely to know Slim’s name along with some more details: it is more that Lennie’s view of the world is very different, not that he knows less, but in the parts where you have focused correctly you have given this impression well.
Return to the piece looking at technical accuracy and sentence structure, as well as using a variety of expressions so that the piece does not begin to become repetitive.
Provisional Mark: 23/40