Transformation Mametz Wood

It was on a cold miserable day. The farm was as deserted as a decrepit house with no one in sight. It was like a horror movie, and the only person within the farm was an aged helpless man who’s dishevelled appearance looked like a worthless farmer. He had spots all over him, like someone had repeatedly poked on his ugly and witch like face. He had long dirty nails similar to those of a tramp and his hair was as messy as an unkempt bush. The farm was expansive. It was a colossal battlefield that was previously used for war.

The farmer had detected some eerie objects around the farm which consisted of debris lost from the perilous battle. He saw broken fingers and a piece of a shoulder, but that wasn’t all. In his peripheral vision, the farmer saw a grave just innocently lying there in the open. He decided to open it up carefully, but in shock he saw that a number of hideous looking dead bodies were lying there all together, arm in arm. Their socketed heads tilted back at an angle and their jaws, those that had them, dropped open as if they were screaming. Little did the farmer know that they were not just gruesome dead bodies; they had suddenly made minuscule movements with their eyes and mouth. Ultimately, the monstrous, unprepossessing bodies had regained consciousness. While the farmer had continued going on with his usual business, these creatures had muscled their way out of the tight and compact grave. They made their way out like a pack of wolves hunting down their prey. They were going at such speed that even the leaves on the ground were swirling beneath them.

Their desired target was the farmer, who was the only human being around this farm. What made it even more troubling for him, was that the dead bodies freakishly loved the blood of a human. It was similar to those of vampires. The pack of bodies were assembled like an army; three at the front and three at the back. They had used their miraculous sense of smell to hunt down the farmer. The zombies continued their approach to the farmer and with them came the horrible stench of death which struck fear into him. As the zombies drew nearer to the farmer he became more wary of his surroundings. As one of the zombies grabbed him, he gave off a ghastly noise. It was a sound no living soul can make. As the ghoulish sounds echoed through the farmland, the farmer instantaneously spun around, and was now face to face with the zombies. The atmosphere froze as the farmer stood shocked in horror with the spectacle he was witnessing. The farmer, coming to his senses, began to run to the safety of his farmhouse. As he ran, he turned to see where the zombies were and was amazed by the athleticism of the broken bodies which were closing in on him very fast. It was pitch black and the zombies merged with the

The meley of bones, had rapidly caught up to the farmer. They grabbed him and pulled him to the floor. those that were spare clambered on top of him, relentlessly ravaged the farmer like a pack of hungry lions. Limbs were torn, bones broken, and flesh was devoured. The farmer screamed in agony. Each zombie picked up a piece of the remains and began marching towards their grave.

Every piece of human flesh had been devoured. They lifted the bones that remained and placed them delicately into the grave beside them. Linked arm in arm, the zombies had turned to their slumber they had claimed another life for their collection. For now they would sleep and await their next victim.

 

2 Comments

  1. Brooke, this is a hugely improved draft that now creates a tone through some appropriate language choices.

    Targets:

    1) Some of your phrases are a little weak. For example, ‘The farm was as abandoned as an old house with no one in sight.’ These things are too similar to compare.

    2) You should try to incorporate more figurative language and more complex language devices.

    3) Your ending is a little confusing. Why do they ‘carefully’ place the body in the grave? Your closing question still doesn’t work for me.

    Grade: 31/40 (B3)
    Target: A3

  2. 1)

    Some of your figurative language lacks sophistication and therefore detracts from the tone of what you are trying to say.

    For example: ‘The farm was as abandoned as an old house with no one in sight’.

    2)

    Your tense moves from past to present. This must be amended.

    3)

    At least one sentence needs its punctuation revised : ‘While the farmer had continued going on with his usual business, these creatures had muscled their way out of the tight and compact grave and made their way out like a pack of wolves hunting down their prey, they were going at such speed even the leaves on the ground were swirling when the powerful creatures had breezed through them.’.

    32/40 (B2)

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